Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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