you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
