I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Bring me that man meat
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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