the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
