her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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