Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
