i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
