i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
