I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
