I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
