this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I touched a dick in church today
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
