So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
