the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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