I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Randomize
