I puked a lego.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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