When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
