but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Found the puke drawer
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
