So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
