I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
