Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize