By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
