you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
