New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
