I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
