i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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