Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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