If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
