I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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