He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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