My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
