Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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