I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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