We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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