it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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