theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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