dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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