you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
