he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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