went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
