Nicole vs. Life
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
