her vagina looked like bernie madoff
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I think I sprained my soul last night
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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