i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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