where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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