yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
