i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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