Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
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