You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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