I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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