Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I wish there were birth control emojis
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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