I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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