if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
