I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize