I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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