do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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