YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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