I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize