I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
