it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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