it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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