Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
