my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
