Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize