my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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