Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
