She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
