they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
