I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
